According to legal consultant, communication coach and author David Parnell, being a people's person on the surface seems like a combination of features such as having a good personality or being a good listener, but when you start to look closer at what actually makes one likable, you notice that more often than not, these attributes come in the form of effective, accurate and persuasive communication.
Which is exactly what the subreddit r/SocialSkills is all about. As the moderators of this online community say, it's "a place to share your favorite social skills tips, ask for advice, or offer encouragement to others on their social skills journey." Since its creation in 2009, the subreddit has grown to a 2.7 million-big army and has collected plenty of useful information. Here are some of its most-upvoted posts.
#1Stop trying to be liked by everybody. You don't even like everybody.
I say this but can't even apply it to myself. What a clown.
Image credits: lukeedookee
#2I have recently come to realise that cringing is good.
If you ever think about some of your past mistakes and you start cringing, realise that you are cringing because you now have the insight to do things differently. Acknowledge that you are allowed to make mistakes and celebrate your growth.
Image credits: necolleshinori
#3Does anyone else oscillate between wanting to be invisible and wishing they weren’t so lonely.
There are periods where I really want to make friends and am encouraged to hang out with people and make small talk, but then there are days when I’m really tired and don’t have the energy or interest to have quality conversations and I would really just rather keep to myself.
After those days when I don’t feel like talking or hanging out, having conversations with people feels really awkward and I have a sense of guilt for not having been able to fight through my fatigue in order to talk to them.
Image credits: AsthenDiscovery
#4When you meet someone, anyone, take 1-2 second, and just lock eyes. Then hit them with a big smile. You will get a giant smile back, with a rush of positive emotions. Works every time. People will always remember how you make them feel.
Image credits: rsa861217
#5If you think you are boring read this
My heart breaks every time I see somebody call themselves boring. You're looking at it all wrong and that's why you still feel the same way. Please read this and I'll try and prove it to you.
People don't care if you're interesting. They care how you make them feel.
Heres a thought experiment. Picture yourself alone at a fancy cocktail party that you have to attend for work. You would like to talk to people but you aren't sure what to say. At different times during the evening two different people approach you and make conversation. Heres how it goes:
Bob approaches you. You find out he just bought a boat. A 35ft with twin engines. He wrecked his old one racing it off of the coast of Portugal last year and almost died. Hes been doing kettle bell workouts to get his body back in shape and its working great. He thinks the wine they served at the cocktail party is s**t and he bets they don't have a single real sommelier in the building. Hes going to do something about that actually, because he knows the guy that owns the place. He leaves his number on a napkin and says lets get coffee before he answers his Bluetooth headset and runs off.
Larry approaches you. He said hes feeling a little shy and he noticed that you were standing there alone. He doesn't care for big parties full of strangers. He asks if you like Dr Who. You arent really but you say you have heard of it and there is an awkward pause. He asks you what you do for fun and you say you love doing archery and renaissance fairs. Hes never done anything like that but hes interested to know more. Do they do those around here? What time of year? Do you have to dress up or can you just go? When's the next one? Larry says if you ever need someome to go with you that hes down and he asks if he can add you on Facebook.
Ok. Who are you going to call? Bob or Larry? Was it more important that they were interesting or was it more important that they were interested in you. You don't have to relate to everything. Fight that urge. Just be interested. If you make somebody else feel interesting, they will think the world of you.
I have cool hobbies. I make knives and tools in my metal shop. I like to take hallucinogens and go to music festivals. I don't talk about them, people dont give a s**t and that doesnt hurt my feelings. Nobody is ever going to get a warm and fuzzy feeling from you because you have cool hobby
Most people are shy when it comes to making friends. Some people do walk around just bored and disinterested in others. Learn to recognize them and pay them no energy.
Take some time to appreciate yourself. Stop calling yourself boring. You arent a f**king jester here to entertain people. Youre an entire human being with just as much validity as anybody else. Love yourself for who you are, and help other people feel good about themselves and you will never feel lonely again.
Just remember to ask "what do you do for fun?"
Image credits: tigerjams
#6You're not alone in feeling alone. 22 percent of millenials say they have "no friends" - 30 percent feel 'lonely'.
If you're struggling with depression or having a hard time making friends, keep in mind that it's not abnormal. It's easy to look at social media and wonder why everyone is having fun except for you - but it's simply not the case.
If you're able to accept that you're struggling and realize it's a normal behavior, it will help you to stop beating yourself up so that you can feel better and begin to make progress.
Image credits: AltPerspective
#7If somebody is rude to you, ask them to repeat themselves. Here's why...
"sorry?" "excuse me what was that?" "can you please repeat what you said?" in a calm confused tone
They are most likely to either rephrase what they said or say it in a nicer way.
Most people feel the guilt kick in once they get another chance of repeating what they said before, they get this little feeling of either 'what is wrong in what I said?' or give them a slight realization of 'wait.. There seems to be consequences' .
This also makes the people around look down on the person that was offensive shifting the focus at them once again l.
Image credits: ray7667
#8It's okay to always be the one to initiate contact with a friend. Just because they don't reach out to you first doesn't mean they don't like you or want to hang out with you.
It's okay to always be that friend who starts up the conversation. Never assume they don't like you or don't want to spend time with you just because they don't text you first or invite you to things. Don't ever tell yourself that without evidence to back it up.
It's a two-way street and they want to feel accepted and feel like they belong just like you do, at least to some degree. You reaching out tells the other person that they are important to you. This boosts your self-esteem for stepping out of your comfort zone and helps them feel more confident in themselves. Double win and you get to spend time with a friend.
Image credits: wesley_mccreary
#9The biggest lesson I learned this year Is not to force anything. Conversation, love, friendships. Anything that is forced is not worth fighting for. Whatever flows flows, whatever crashes crashes. It is what it is.
Image credits: Freezy_187
#10People who ask you what you were going to say after you're interrupted are the best.
Just had this happen to me and it made me feel like someone actually cares about what I have to say!
Image credits: bbysnks
#11True friends are happy when you improve. Fake friends are afraid.
Image credits: blackswany
#12If you feel like you’re losing control over your life, try this: pick one thing you’ve been avoiding and FORCE YOURSELF TO DO IT. You’ll be amazed at how quickly the sense of confidence, agency, and power returns to you.
It can be anything from...
Cleaning up your room
Sending that text
Calling that person up
Responding to that email
Picking up that book
Writing that letter
Signing up for that course
Walking into the gym
It’s going to be hard as hell (that’s built-up mental resistance) but TRUST ME, once you push through it, the other side is bliss.
The door is already open, you just have to walk through it.
Image credits: Tousen71
#13Stop telling people what they should think about you
Just an observation but...
Stop telling people what you are. Don’t tell them you’re lazy (even if you are), don’t tell them you’re not a morning person (even if you aren’t) don’t tell them your not a type of person who does this or that.
People start seeing you through those opinions. Allow them to make up their own minds. Let’s be honest. You don’t even know yourself that well. Sure you might dislike waking up early but don’t be so strict on your own identity. You aren’t your preferences.
Try to experiment with who you are. You’ll be surprised. You’ll only restrict yourself by telling people around you, who you are.
Image credits: mr-one-two
#14If a friend asks you to hang out and you are busy the first couple of times they ask, if you want to hang out with them, take the initiative and suggest a time and date yourself.
This might some kinda obvious but you’d be surprised how often this doesn’t occur to people! The other person has done most of the hard work by showing a willingness to hang out, so if you want to meet them you just need to say when. Don’t just say “I am sure we will find a date soon”, do what you can to make it concrete.
As someone with mild social anxiety, I always appreciate when people do this as it means I know they aren’t just being polite when they say they want to meet up.
Image credits: docju
#15Do you struggle with social anxiety? Go to a concert ALONE.
Find a concert near you for one of your favorite bands. Preferably music that you have a deep connection to and will be excited to see. Take no friends, go completely alone. Move through the crowd as you see fit, dance by yourself, and do nothing but focus on your personal enjoyment of the music.
Putting myself in this anonymous social setting allowed me to explore my social freedom without the fear of judgement. I was no longer worried if my friends thought I was a goofy or bad dancer. Once I learned how to enjoy my own company and let loose, people actually started approaching me! That didnt happen when I was all stiff and pent up.
People would ask me stuff like "what's the song they are playing?" Or "have they played such and such yet?" It was then a lot easier to spark up convo with these people between sets or songs since they had already broken the ice. Guys and girls!
So buy a ticket and get out there. You don't even have to talk to anyone! Just start by getting out and feeling OK being by yourself.
Image credits: munchauzen
#16Know when to stop talking. This is the difference between being an awkward person and an annoying person.
Usually, when people start giving very dry responses, or straight up start to walk away, that means that you’ve been talking for a while. People who are awkward can still function on a social level, because they know when to stop talking. As soon as you start picking up these social cues your world can change.
Image credits: xXSpaghett_StealerXx
#17Wow. I recently learned a social skill that’s made all the difference in my conversations
I joined a professional fraternity this Spring. One of the skills they emphasize is to ask abstract, interesting questions that garner a positive response and could lead to similarities/connections between the two people. Instead of asking boring af questions like “what are you majoring in” or “ where are you from”, ask questions that require more detail such as “ what caused you to major in X” or “ How come you chose to attend Tallahassee/Florida State?” These questions require more than one word answers, and open up doors for more conversation. Perhaps you have something in common that you wouldn’t have known had you not asked. Once you have something in common. Boom. Instant connection. Then you build off that conversation by expanding upon that subject, or switch the conversation if needed. I’ve found that this is the hardest part of 1 on 1 conversation, and once you get past the initial hump of breaking the ice/not making it awkward, it makes the rest of the conversation so much easier.
Image credits: jrv53
#18I just got a tip for all y’all guys struggling with dating.
So many guys make it their main goal to not act awkward. This takes away their confidence and restricts there personality. Confidence is the number one priority and holding back your personality shows a lack of confidence even if you aren’t being akward. If you take risks and try and be outgoing despite acting awkward, girls will like that way better because it makes you come off like you’re trying and you’re at least confident enough to take risks.
Image credits: robloxdruglord
#19If you feel uncomfortable telling people whats going on in your life you don't have to . You owe them nothing and they don't care as much as you think.
A lot of times we think we have to be honest but its not necessary. Especially if its a touchy subject or something you'd rather not talk about. For some reason we think we owe them an explanation but they really can't tell how our lives really are.
If say you got fired from a job and someone asks how you're doing you don't have to tell them you got fired. Just be brief like ya everythings good how about you? Most people aren't gonna know whether you're telling the truth or not. Just remember you're not at anyone's mercy. Take control.
Image credits: bayfarm
#203 Conversational Tricks to Excite Anyone
One of the most common problems people struggle with is conversational skills.
Technology rewires our brains to think in terms of memes, posts, and videos, so we’re losing out on real world talk!
When you struggle with conversational skills, you feel anxious, creating a downward spiral in where you miss out on the meaningful connection you know you need.
Here are 3 antidotes you can use now to make your conversations EXCITING.
Number one: “The Mirror”
This trick is so simple that you won’t believe it until you try it.
When someone finishes saying something, repeat the last 3-5 words they said in the exact same way. I’ve done this for minutes on end, it’s actually hilarious.
Here’s what happens: someone will finish saying something like, “yeah so I really want to travel to Europe.”
Then you repeat: travel to Europe?
And INSTANTLY the person will go, “yeah I wanna [explain reasons here].” You can keep doing this until you find something to add onto.
Why I love it: sometimes I’m tired and just want to listen, and this trick let’s you do just that! It also cuts through surface-level talk and forces people to open up and explain deeper motivations.
Number two: “Bold Statements.”
Now that you’ve got the person opening up, you should be feeling a bit more confident.
At this point, you probably are thinking of some questions to ask them. Problem? Endless questions are SO 1900’s.
Instead of saying, “what do you do for work?” Say: “I think you’re a doctor.”
The recipient will go: “What?!? Why’s that.” Or, your guess will be right, and you’ll blow everyone’s minds!
Then you answer by giving a legitimate reason to back up your statement. For example, “you speak in a very formal & articulate manner which reminds me of my doctor.”
This trick opens up an exciting discussion where you both are operating on a deeper level instead of boring, surface level “What do you do” type questions.
Note: the statement should be at least slightly accurate, and not come off as “judgy.” It should be more fun, and always be a compliment…
Number three: “Share the Love”
Put on a smile because you’re about to spread some good energy. Everyone LOVES praise, so why not give it out, especially when it’s well-deserved?
If someone is cute- tell them. If someone is hilarious- confess it. You’re hurting no one.
As I hinted at you can combine the previous trick with this one. Example:
“Wow, you’re really smart. You must be a doctor or something!” (say with a smile)
The person will blush from happiness, and your guess will either be right and they’ll go “OMG you’re awesome” OR they’ll go, “thank you, I’m actually a [job].”
Then you can use the first tip and go, “oh you’re a [job]” and they’ll start elaborating about the deeper reasons they chose that profession. ?(:
Now, get out there! This works with everyone- coworkers, family, friends, elevator talks. Go try it!
Image credits: [deleted]
#21If you are scared of talking to new people because they might think you're weird: if you are friendly to them and they think you're weird or act cold towards you, THEY are the weird ones and it should not matter at that point regarding how they see you.
Image credits: [deleted]
#22If you look ugly in photos it doesn't mean you are ugly in real life.
I don't know if this is the right sub to post but I realize that a lot of people are feeling depressed because of this.
A lot of people look good in real life but their pictures come out bad (and vice versa). Because you're just not photogenic, it happens to a lot of people. In converting a 3d image like a person into a 2d image like a photo, some features are lost. We see in 3D because we have two eyes, and a camera has one eye that can only see in 2D so it doesn't get your facial features correct Sometimes the camera literally flips the photo, like a mirror. If you look beautiful in the mirror you're most likely very beautiful.
Cameras distort reality. Usually in subtle ways, but people who take lots of portrait shots will tell you that posture can make a world of difference, not because it changes the way you look in person, but because it strongly affects the way you show up on camera. I think some people instinctively have good camera posture and it does a lot for them. I'm even aware of extreme cases of people who look good in pictures even through they're not particularly attractive.
That's why a lot of models look very attractive in photos but in real life umm......
So don't get depressed about your looks just because you don't look good enough in photos. Don't be too critical of yourself, a camera never capture your beauty but other people will!
#23I stopped letting people walk all over me, and it cost me my entire friend group.
I was friends with these people for 7 years, and was so people pleasing to the point of toxicity. It was exhausting, but I couldn't think of any other way to make and keep friends. One of the girls consistently put me down, with "jokes" that weren't really jokes, and got upset whenever I tried to poke fun at her too. She was extremely stubborn and never admitted that she might have been wrong. I couldn't have a normal conversation with her anymore. She was the "leader", did this with everyone else, too.
Eventually I woke up and started to set boundaries. She didn't like that. Started to distance herself from me, disinvite me from social functions, and talk behind my back. The others would reach out to me individually and I really tried to stay friends with them, but they always hung out in the group setting with the "leader". I eventually faded away. It hurt but maybe it's for the best.
Don't let yourself get walked all over for the sake of having friends. I haven't fully recovered yet, but I know myself enough now to chose people that treat me like a decent human being.
Image credits: paper_dog_dio
#24Every time you stay silent out of fear that you'll be rejected for who you are and what you believe, you're missing the opportunity to connect with someone.
So please just open up your goddamn mouth and say something.
Someone who loves you very much, who had to leave because you were too afraid to share
Image credits: voteYESonpropxw2
#25PRO TIP: Don’t concern yourself with being interesting, concern yourself with being interested.
Become interested in the person you are talking to. Ask them about themselves, not just surface questions but really try to engage with them. For example: you have a beautiful house! do you consider this to be your forever home? if you could move anywhere else where would it be?
Focus on the other person and it’ll take the load off you. Just my two cents.
Image credits: WannabeWayne
#26“Can I give you my number?” instead of “Can I have your number?”
This is some advice that mostly directed to the guys of this sub.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where many women have to stay on guard to avoid, for lack of a better term, weird perverts and would-be attackers. That is simply a fact. And it needs to be addressed, but this sub isn’t for dismantling the patriarchy.
So, an indirect issue that arises from this much larger issue is the fact that many guys come across as weird and creepy when trying to flirt, even though it may be completely harmless. And that’s why I never ask a girl for her number.
Instead, I ask if I can give her my number.
There’s a very subtle difference between the two and that difference is giving the woman the power to contact you rather than asking for that power yourself. That way, she can politely accept and then decide later if she would actually like to speak to you again or not. Whereas asking for her number really puts her on the spot and, if she says yes, removes her sense of distance simply because you can now contact her at will.
This is how I go about getting into contact with girls I meet and would like to start getting to know better and I’ve found that it generally works a lot more often than asking for their number.
Image credits: ThatOneJakeGuy
#27Why do some people feel the need to comment on how someone is shy or more quiet than others in a public?
I get that comment at work all the time and I’m a nurse..like brah leave me alone...I do my job just fine, I’ve accepted I’m more quiet and have a smaller social circle and I’m fine with it. just bc I’m not outgoing and loud like you doesn’t mean you have to point that out in a group setting. That just makes me more a little insecure and less confident at work like that’s not a compliment in this extroverted world and makes everyone uncomfortable.
Image credits: f**kucuty234
#28If you are average or less in social skills, DO NOT talk to strangers, this is for advanced social butterflies, but DO THIS INSTEAD
If your goal is to gEt OuT oF yOuR cOmFoRt ZoNe, then sure, go talk to strangers, do bungee jumping, parachute jumping and etc.
But if you want to find friends and build/extend your social circle, then you 100% need to join a hobby group/volunteering/sport groups.
For example, I went to volunteer about the cleaning of a small village. I absolutely had to talk to the other volunteers because we had to collaborate.
Or go join hiking groups. Nothing is more bonding to a group of strangers than spending time with them in complete seclusion in the nature for hours.
I want to thank the kind people of this subreddit who gave me this advice and I am just passing it forward to someone who needs it.
Image credits: PhatPlonker
#29You don’t need to win every banter. Take things lightly and have fun while accepting defeat. It makes you look humble, secure and more likeable overall whereas fighting constantly makes you look super insecure and intimidated.
Image credits: browngirlsays
#30If you want to improve your social skills, forgive yourself for all the times your social skills sucked
Like a lot of people who struggle with social skills, I've had problems with self-esteem and self-image.
I had a very hard time connecting to people my own age and completely missed out on the "easy sex" phase of life.
I worked damn hard at my social skills, to no avail. I think I ended up even more alone, from the sheer exhaustion of trying to engineer every situation.
I'd always felt like my childhood (defined as the period from elementary until my early 20's) was marred with missed opportunities because of my social awkwardness.
I'd replay situations over and over, from as far back as 1st grade. Other times it'd be teenage year blunders; obvious sexual advances that I was totally clueless about. Or it would be bullying.
The result would always be the same: a plummet in self-worth.
And the result long-term was an expectation: that other people simply didn't value me.
According to Olivia Fox Cabane, people accept what you project. So if you project low self-worth, people are going to perceive you as not having much to offer or even a threat to their own resources.
Now all that s**ttiness that I'm talking about... I honestly believed that it would never go away. But this past spring/summer, I decided it would no longer rule me and I slowly worked my way though it.
All I really did was summon up a heap of self-compassion and forgiveness, each time one of those memories came up. Some of those memories came up multiple times a day but eventually, they just stopped resurfacing.
I also started forgiving myself for day-to-day blunders. I started forgiving other people for 'crossing' me. I'd even make a forgiveness list and run through it before bed.
I believe what many of us will find is that all the ability and motivation is there, but it's very, very hard to do it when you're weighed down by past transgressions.
(Story: I used to believe that I had to grow my inner garden. I would literally visualize a lush inner garden and think about all the real-life activities I could do to build that mental scenery.
What I came to learn is that there is no growing a lush mental garden if the soil is not prepared. It will always fail.
I had to dig out the stones (bad memories), keep the weeds in check (daily worries), and finally, do what it takes to grow that garden - work out (even just for serotonin), eat nutritious food, presentable appearance, and general positive trajectory in whatever subject I choose to pursue.
I'm proud of my lush mental garden, and I'm proud of the work I poured into it. I'm proud of what I know it can become. )
Image credits: [deleted]
#31Being well-dressed, having a good haircut (if you have hair), and looking after your hygiene are the first things you should be doing.
I'm a 37 year old man with ADHD. I've been struggling my entire life to make and retain friends, impress women, and not be a complete train wreck in social settings.
But instead of sharing my tales of woe, I am simply going to jump right into the remedy:
Invest time into your appearance.
Here's what happens: people notice you unconsciously. If they like what they see, YOU will feel that unconsciously. You will simply feel better around people, they'll like you more, and you'll be extended more grace in social settings.
What you want is low-cost passive advantages. You want an avalanche of those advantages, so that practice becomes a natural by-product of your existence.
This is my daily bathroom routine:
brush with whitening toothpaste
rinse with whitening mouthwash
wash face deeply
It takes around 10 minutes. I try to do it twice but I never do it less than once per day.
If I'm going out, I consider who I might see or who I might want to interact with. I think about how they'll be dressed. I try to style myself to look like the guys that will be there but with enough attention to detail that I'll stand out (ie. clothes that fit properly and match).
For a haircut, I just ask for something that looks modern and go every 2-3 weeks.
Bonus: 100% of the things I listed can be bought or at least you can get free advice.
Example: walk into a decent clothing store and tell them you want a few shirts and a pair of pants that fit. It's literally their job to help you and if you're embarrassed about asking, who f**king cares because they're never going to remember you anyway.
Same for haircut. Just tell them you want something that looks good.
For hygiene, just go to a skin care store and ask. Once again, give zero f**ks because they'll never remember you anyway.
Image credits: [deleted]
#32Stop asking “Do they like me?!” and start asking “Do I like them?”
This will help you focus on the other person more during the interaction.
You’ll be more present with them.
You’ll focus less on trying too hard to impress them.
You’ll be more selective, looking for the right fit rather than “anyone”
You’ll overthink less about what you’re doing or not doing in the interaction. (Less self-monitoring is a good thing)
You won’t click with everyone, and you shouldn’t expect to!
But if you actively look for things that you like about the other person, then you’ve set yourself up for success, because you’re focusing on the interaction and the other person. instead of yourself.
(And you might even click with more people!)
#33I wish more people were open to hanging out 1-on-1.
Getting to know someone is difficult enough and if put into a group setting; that s**t gets even tougher. In crowds, the individual is lost in a sea of personality and voices.
I understand being around someone 1-on-1 is a whole new level of intimacy and it can make people uncomfortable, but (IMO) that’s how you develop, strengthen, and grow any sort of relationship.
As I get older and the less free time I have, I value the times where I can get together with just 1 (or a small group of 2 or 3 friends) for a nice meal and just talk. Those memories will always be more impactful than the large crowd of acquaintances.
#34A skill I have learned that has radically improved my conversations.
A practise I have been doing at work, I started my job fresh out of sixth form education and had little to no conversation skills but now consider myself conversationally competent.
The skill is to wait a few seconds after someone stops talking to respond. I used to find that I was interrupting people before they were done talking because I was anxious to have something to say. Recently I have practised just letting the person talk and genuinely listening, then taking a moment to process my genuine thoughts on what they were talking about. Not only am I interrupting less, I am also responding more honestly and coming across as less desperate and agitated.
It may seem weird at first, but think about your conversations with others, do you really expect them to respond within a second of you finishing your sentence? When someone gives a moment to think about what we have said we generally feel much more listened to, which is an essential part of conversation.
This is purely my subjective experience, but feel free to ask me more about this as it is something I feel has made a genuinely noticeable difference in my conversations!
#35You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass.
#36Remember that other people get social anxiety around *you*.
For some of you this may be a little hard to believe, but you do represent 'other people' to other people. There are people on this very sub who are asking questions about how to talk to you, how to position their body language relative to you, how much eye contact to make with you, and how to get you to be friends with them.
Remember this when you feel socially awkward! I can tell you from the experience of being all over the spectrum - I've been popular, charming, awkward, lonely, and everything in between - that confidence and good social skills is a massive game of pretend.
I remember going to a party in university once and looking around, seeing the clumps of people, and I realized everyone is nervous! Nobody knows what to do. Not only that, but I've always been of the strange assumption that everybody knows each other except for me. Not true! Everybody just clumps to who they know.
When you realize that everyone is nervous... you realize that you can just be the confident one. People will assume you're the real deal - honestly. And then you become it, in short order. You just go up to a clump of people and say "Hey! Just wanted to come say hi to you guys. Are you having a good day so far?"
... Now imagine the roles are reversed and someone walks up to you like that. Assuming they're smiling and being polite, you have tons of respect for their courage. You see them as seriously confident. It always works that way.
TL;DR Try it out for yourself: Instead of asking or worrying about how to talk with someone or get them to like you... just be the person that the other people are asking about. There's no formal audition, you just play the role. Just do it, it's very easy.
May you experience great friendships and happiness.
#37Want to make an elderly person smile?
In high school, like many, I had a job at a fast food restaurant. I’ll just say their mascot has red pigtails and they don’t serve shakes. We offered a 10% discount for senior citizens. Whenever a senior citizen would ask for the discount I would whisper to them “I’ll do it but I could get in trouble for this because I’m only supposed to give this to people over the age of 65.” I can’t tell you how elated that would make most of those customers. I even had several of them try to set me up with their granddaughters.
#38Today I turn 33. Here are 33 lessons I’ve learned about being better with people
Update: Click on the links for each lesson to go to an in-depth post for each lesson!
1. Dialing up your energy a bit (+10%) when you’re being social makes it easier to have a good time.
2. Being curious will help you be interested in other people.
3. No one can mind-read. They have no clue what you’re thinking. You have no idea what they are thinking.
4. The spotlight effect is real. We all tend to overestimate the amount that other people notice and observe us.
5. It’s possible to view the same event 2 different ways. Ex: You say “Hi”. They brush past you instead of saying “Hi”. Negative view: “They must be mad at me.” Positive view: “They must be preoccupied, they probably didn’t hear me.”
6. First Impressions start BEFORE you open your mouth. Seeming approachable is key…
7. Master the “Resting happy face” = Have a slight smile on your face when you’re out at an event. Studies have shown smiling makes you happier. Which will lead to better interactions.
8. No need to overthink eye contact. Make eye contact for a few seconds, glance away, rinse and repeat.
9. Small talk is necessary. It helps you move from lighter topics to deeper topics so that you can build rapport.
10. During small talk, avoid the “Interrogation trap”. Balance questions with observations. (Great chance to give a meaningful compliment)
11. Keep a running list of social wins.** When you have a great interaction, make people laugh with a joke, etc. Write it down! Next time you’re feeling unsure, Look over your list to remind yourself that you have been successful in the past.
12. Try not to interrupt. If you accidentally interrupt, say “You were saying…” and bring up the last thing they said to get them back on track. (This shows that you were listening…you WERE listening, right?)
13. Listening is SO key. Listen and try to come up with observations and questions that show that you are 100% engaged.
14. Don’t stop listening when you come up with something to say. (I call this the “spring loaded response trap”) Be okay with letting go of what you were going to say…there’s always something else to say.
15. If you notice that the other person is mirroring your body language, that’s a great sign! This means that you two are in rapport and connecting. (You can trigger this by mirroring them a little first)
16. If you remember something cringey you did in the past. Try the 3 Fs: Flush, Fix, Forget. Flush: Take a breath and get some emotional distance from that memory. Fix: Is there anything you can change for next time? If so, make a note. Forget: Give yourself permission to forget it
17. Body Language: In most cases, people could take up more space, gesture more with their hands and stop fidgeting. These signal to others that you’re comfortable with yourself. (Which helps them feel comfortable too)
18. How to be interesting. Develop a wide range of interests. Know a little about a lot. This will make a wide range of topics and conversations 10x easier.
19. Be bold. Don’t wait for people to come to you. Approach people first. Introduce yourself first. Own the interaction.
20. The more comfortable you can make yourself, the more comfortable you can make others. (Important to balance with getting out of your comfort zone and growing as a person though)
21. Prep a quick summary/story from your weekend. People will ask, have something ready.
22. Saying “No” and crafting boundaries is important. People will treat you however you let them. Hard to know if people are stepping over boundaries if you aren’t sure what those boundaries are.
23. Saying “Yes” is important too. Not “Yes” to things you don’t want to do, but yes to new and exciting experiences and
#39Assume the other person likes you. It doesn't have to be true, just ASSUME IT. TRUST ME. ASSUME IT.
Your views on the world dictate your behavior. If you assume people like you, you will start behaving more positively, likable, and friendly--
...this will, in turn, MAKE people like you more.
It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
And you see it the other way around as well. When you come into an interaction with the assumption that people DON'T like you or that you're weird, awkward, or a burden on others, you will act in ways that will make people not like you as much.
Honestly, you could argue that all confidence is slightly delusional. So even if you don't feel very likable, you just need to start deluding yourself.
"They were acting weird because they liked me SO MUCH, they were just nervous around me."
This is really powerful advice, but I know it can be quite difficult to implement. I've been on the other side, so I really do get the resistence to a concept like this. If you need help with your confidence and your social life, let's get more specific with your situation.
Reach out to me! Cheers,
#40Stop Chasing People. Do This Instead ..
Chase all-around excellence. Set short and long-term goals to become the best version of yourself. Strive to be better daily in all areas of your life. People will be naturally drawn to you if you have drive and ambition. Why ? You will project confidence and demonstrate high value. You will not be taken for granted; instead, you will be a force to be reckoned with.
Chasing people is a failed endeavor. You will naturally put them on a pedestal. You will always get emotionally attached. You will always seek their validation (even if they really are not qualified to give it to you). You will be needy and inconsiderate of their lives. You force them to look down upon you. Worst of all, you will never truly understand them as the human beings they are. To paraphrase Atticus Finch from To Kill A MockingBird, You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.
Thus, tl;dr take everybody else off that pedestal, and put yourself on that pedestal. Value yourself and chase excellence. Treat others as part, not the center, of your life. If you do this, I guarantee you that your social life will naturally improve.
#41When someone insults you, they aren’t insulting YOU. They are insulting their current perception of their understanding of your identity which is NOT you.
I hope you feel more confident now.